One of the hallmarks of true, positive and sustainable
change (ANY change) is the existence of a support network to assist you in
creating new habits and healing from the struggles that have kept you from the life
you want to live.
A Support Network is a group of friends, neighbors, mentors,
coaches or family members that you can count on to listen discreetly and
provide advice, a lending hand or even just an ear to listen. They are the closest people we know and we
have 100% trust in their conviction to honor our privacy and personal needs. Support networks have been shown to reduce depression,
anxiety, social isolation and even chronic life stress. Support networks aren’t ONLY about your
mental health either! All of these psychosocial
conditions have actually been linked to an increased risk of coronary artery
disease equaling that of the risk from hypertension and high cholesterol!
We talk a lot about community at Motiv8 but having a REAL
support network is more than just cheering people on while they are doing
well. It’s more than just showing up for
the good times and giving attention to people who find success in small
moments.
LIFE ISN’T ALL SUNSHINE AND UNICORN FARTS!
We’ve all had the type of friends that like to just talk
about successes or accolades, like to laugh and joke a lot, want to only keep
the spirit lively and avoid anything negative at all. Maybe it seems like everyone gravitates to
them, they seem so easy to connect with, they always seem to ask the right
questions, they seem to make others feel important. It’s tempting to think these people may
support you in your times of need.
BE CAREFUL!
The level of support you’ll find from those types of friends
can often just leave you feeling empty or even abandoned once hard times
present at your doorstep with nobody there to support you as the fun and
positivity go away.
Here are some DOs and DON’Ts for building a support network
that will be your cheerleaders when you’re winning AND pick you up when you
fall as well.
DO seek out people who are genuine in their interactions
with you.
It’s not hard to find the people who are genuine. They are the ones who ask how you are and
then follow up with more questions rather than finding a segue to talk about
themselves. They are the ones who are
the first to call when you tackle a challenge or overcome an obstacle to see
how it went and want to know all the details.
They want to know about how you’re feeling whether it’s good OR
bad. And despite the answer they want to
KNOW why. They seek out solutions for
you without you having to ask them for their help. THESE are the people to put in your
network. NOTE: You may know people who
do this for others but NOT yourself. And
that’s ok, there are many levels of friendship and not everyone is a candidate
for your support network.
DON’T guilt or shame people into supporting you.
We often come across people in our lives who seem like they
aren’t living it the way WE would. It’s
easy to make assumptions about those people and apply our own principles to
what they do from an outside perspective.
We want them to “care more”. BUT,
that expectation may be setting us up for disappointment. That disappointment can lead to a wish that
someone would be different or would act a different way. We may even attempt to “give them a hint” or
“teach them a lesson” hoping that they will do what we want and see things from
our perspective. Guilt and shaming NEVER
lead to building someone’s trust and support though and may even turn a good
friend into a foe.
DO seek out people who have already learned your lessons.
There’s no reason to struggle through life figuring things
out on your own when the people closest to you have seen what you have. That’s part of being a friend, helping each
other out to make life easier! Sometimes
that may mean that the lesson you’re in the midst of learning has already been
exerpeinced by someone who cares about you.
We’re used to learning from our parents, our elders, our teachers but we
can learn ANYTHING from ANYONE. Wisdom
doesn’t have an age, face or personality.
Some of the best people in my support network have experienced my
challenges themselves and they are able to understand why I struggle. Even if I don’t end up doing exactly what
they have, knowing that I can go to them to ask about their experience gives me
strength and keeps me from spinning my wheels.
DON’T choose people to place in your network based on
what you think they can do for you.
Sometimes we get caught up in wanting something so bad for
ourselves that we put blinders on and attempt to “fix” our situation. That focus on a “fix” can sometimes separate our
friends’ knowledge or skills from their actual human side. We start to think about what they could do
for us, how they could help us get what we want and we STOP focusing on them as
a person. This can lead to friends
feeling “used” or disrespected and pulling away from you (the LAST thing you
need from a support network) when they feel you don’t care for them anymore.
DO find others who are willing to share their own
struggles with you.
Having a support network more than anything else is about
developing trust in someone. If the
people around you that show support can’t reciprocate by being vulnerable
around you, they don’t deserve your trust.
Plain and simple. There are
unfortunately people out there who seek confidence in themselves by trying to
keep you in a vulnerable position. It
makes them feel superior. These are NOT people
to entrust with your deepest vulnerabilities.
Having a support network should mean being willing to give OR receive
care from the people you love most. Even
if their problems don’t look like yours, you can gain strength, inspire
solutions or just be a calm sounding board for each other. Give your trust to those willing to accept
your own help rather than feed the ego of a person who just wants to be the
hero.
DON’T focus only on filling your support network with
people who have strengths you don’t have.
Many times we want to idolize or put on a pedestal the
people who have talents, gifts or expertise that we wish we had. When we look at ourselves and don’t see those
things we think that the people who do may have all the answers. But, people who have what you don’t may not
have come to acquire it the same way you are trying to. Does the super fit person you want to be like
know what it’s like to struggle with their weight? Maybe they seem to always be SO happy but,
have they ever felt depression to know the contrast? They eat SO healthy but have they struggled
with an addiction to food before? We all
have gifts as well as skills but don’t confuse the two. They are very different. Someone with a gift for something may not
necessarily have the experience of working for it to conceptualize how to help
you.
It can be very hard to open up to people and tell them that
you are struggling with something. The
questions swirl in your head:
What if they think I’m just being too needy?
What if they don’t talk to me anymore or treat me
differently?
What if they don’t take me seriously?
What if they don’t know how to help me?
What if they don’t WANT to help me?
I always say…”The what ifs will kill you!” While some of these may be possible, it can
actually be freeing to understand who is a “fun friend” and who is a
“confidant”. When you are saddled with a
hard situation you’ll be so much more at ease knowing who you can turn to than
living in a world where you feel you can’t share anything with anyone. That’s a miserable way to live!
Some of these statements may seem harsh but building a
network of people you know you can turn to with your problems should be a very
scrutinized process. Taking the time to
choose wisely now will help you to avoid sharing with people who are not willing
or capable of supporting you. Most
importantly, knowing the difference between an acquaintance, a friend, and a
confidant can save a lot of heartache and disappointment from assumptions about
people you thought you knew differently.
Stay Motiv8ed!
Coach Joe
